Nintendo just showed off a ton of cool new indie games that are coming to Switch soon! Apparently. We missed the stream. Here are our summaries for all the games anyway, based on nothing but the image above.
Cadence of Hyrule: Some Other Shit We Can’t Read Because The Font Is Too Small
A girl named Cadence plays her… what is that, like a ukulele? She plays whatever that instrument is called in Hyrule’s subway and people throw rupees at her. Gather enough rupees to buy a less shitty instrument!
Cuphead
The classic viral gross-out porn video comes to Nintendo Switch! Now with more oral.
My Friend Pedro
Oh shit! It’s your old pal Pedro from middle school! Find out what Pedro’s been up to all these years, compliment him on his wonderful family, and promise you’ll give him a call to hang out soon. Man, we’ve missed him so much! (Pedro walks out of earshot.) HATE that guy.
3 Stranger Things: The Game
You got three copies of Stranger Things: The Game for your birthday. Uh-oh! How do you dispose of two without your mother, your fiancée, or superstar footballer Lionel Messi finding out? Why did superstar footballer Lionel Messi get you something for your birthday anyway? Solve these and more mysteries in this intriguing game.
Katana Zero
A revolutionary game in which you have zero katanas. No katanas whatsoever. Katana Zero uses advanced computing technology to achieve this unprecedented feat and allow you to experience what it would feel like to be someone with no katanas. A truly breathtaking gaming experience. Also, you die a lot.
Overland
The long awaited follow-up to Overwatch (that is also still awaited because it’s not on the Switch yet) shifts the focus of the plot from your watch to your land! You lose if you ever go underground.
Rad
A prequel to the just-released (on Switch) title Rad Rodgers. This one takes place in the dark period of the main character’s life before he got the honorary title of “Rodgers.” Before he got the singular title “Rodger” even.
Bloodroots
The ground-breaking ‘70s TV miniseries finally gets the hack’n’slash video game adaptation it deserves.
Blaster Master 2 Zero II
Crazy to think that the Blaster Master series is already in its 202nd entry, but it’s true. Also released as 2 Blaster II Master.
Darkwood
It’s the middle of the night, you just had that dream about your crush again, you wake up… and it’s like WHOA! And thinking about baseball doesn’t help so you have to play this game instead.
Neo Cab
The world of Neopets finally comes to public transportation! Raise your virtual pet while riding to work, the airport, or simply hanging out with your favorite cabbie. Visiting Neopia has never been more fun! NOTE: Although set to be released on the Nintendo Switch, this game is only licensed to be played inside taxicabs. Any other uses will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
Pine
In this social simulation, you are a pine tree. You get planted, you grow, you stay in place. Meanwhile, all around you, people are going off on grand adventures to fight demons, they’re falling in love, chasing their dreams, creating a legacy for the world to remember them by… but you don’t do any of it. You are still in just the one spot. When the game ends you have a realization that it’s the most realistic thing you ever played because it reflects your own existence, doing nothing while life happens all around you for everyone else. And since this game plays out in real-time it becomes especially accurate because wow you spent a lot of days on this one.
Swimsanity!
Well would you look at that, you have your scuba gear complete with an O face and some cannon on your arm, so obviously it’s all about swimming. Until you go crazy.
Creature / In The Well
A double feature that includes the horror game Creature and the “being in a well” simulator In The Well. Escape a ferocious monster, then relax by chilling inside your favorite damp hole in the ground. COMING SOON: Creature 2 / Dying of Hypothermia.
The Red Lantern
You’re in ancient Rome, and there’s so much blood in your stool that it’s almost literally “painting the town red,” but even though you know it’s a public health issue and you might be causing airborne diseases it’s embarrassing so you don’t tell anyone that you’re the one doing it and–oh crap, that says “Lantern,” not “Latrine.” Move along…
Nuclear Throne
The greatest video game about Kim Jong-Un since Rento Fortune. Also judging from the logo it’ll be a crossover with the ooze from the TMNT franchise. Just remember to flush.
Ultra Bugs
Bugs Bunny is back, and he ain’t fucking around. Bugs has a gritty new attitude and if you don’t like it, you can suck his dick. He’s ultra – ultra RAUNCHY, that is! Find out what the anuses of your favorite Looney Tunes characters look like in this all-ages romp from Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment.
Super Crate Box
The loot crate craze finally comes to the Nintendo Switch in earnest, only this time, the rewards are more loot crates! You throw money to get boxes that give you more boxes that you have to throw money at. It skirts gambling laws by technically being edutainment as it teaches kids about the fun they can have with circular logic.
Wow! This is such a killer selection of games that Sony apparently decided to just re-air the Nintendo Direct the other day. Which game are you looking forward to the most? Sound off in the comments!
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