Nintendo’s latest Smash Bros. Ultimate presentation included a shocking scene seemingly depicting Luigi being slain by the Grim Reaper. We reached out to Shigeru Miyamoto, father of the Mario Brothers, for comment.
NintendoDuo: Luigi has certainly gone up against his fair share of ghouls before, but never one quite as scary as today’s. After the tremendous internet reaction to that moment, are you thinking of maybe making a Luigi’s Mansion game with more realistic, Castlevania-like monsters?
Shigeru Miyamoto: No. Because of his death in the new Nintendo Direct, we can no longer make more games featuring Luigi. Mario must carry this pain in his soul for the rest of his life, and his own adventures will be darker and more introspective because of it.
ND: Are- Are you saying you’re permanently retiring the Luigi character?
SG: He fucking died. My son, Luigi, is fucking dead.
ND: Oh. Wow. Does this at least mean we’ll finally get to see some games featuring the third Mario Brother, Giancarlo?
SG: From Mario’s perspective, he wouldn’t want to endanger his youngest brother, his sweet baby, after the tragedy befallen on Luigi. Mario will not allow Giancarlo to go on his adventures. And from a business perspective, Giancarlo is a shit character and I don’t want him in my games. The wrong brother died.
ND: Wait, are you saying Luigi’s death wasn’t your decision?
SG: I found out Sakurai-san had murdered my precious child when I sat down to watch today’s Direct. But I do not hate Sakurai-san. He is merely a pawn of the senseless chaos that rules the universe, as are we all.
ND: Well, what about a game featuring Luigi’s ghost? That would be an interesting spin for the Luigi’s Mansion series.
SG: Ghosts are a coward’s belief. After death, there is only nothingness and oblivion. You simply forget the world, and soon, it forgets you.
ND: But, uh, the Nintendo Direct clearly showed Luigi’s ghost coming out of his body…?
SG: I saw no such thing.
ND: What about the ghosts Luigi has been hunting in his solo games, or the Boos from the mainline Super Mario Bros. series?
SG: Oh, they are demons from the other dimension. God may not exist, but Satan is very real. And his agents are everywhere.
ND: That’s probably a good place to end the interview. Thank you, Miyamoto-san.
SG: Captain Olimar from the Pikmin series is based upon the madman Adolf Hitler of Germany. Hence his tremendous charisma and ability to blindly lead the Pikmin to a certain death. Which is the end of all things.
ND: Thank you.
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