1. The Switch Virtual Console Kicks Off With NES Games, New Love Hotel Locations
Retro fans rejoice! Nintendo is set to kick off the Switch’s Virtual Console with Super Mario Bros. 3, Balloon Fight, and 13 new locations for their discontinued “love hotel” chain from the 1950s. Starting this September, Switch owners will be able to smash some goombas, pop some balloons, and have illicit sex with Japanese prostitutes. Score!
2. Waluigi Confirmed as Wario’s Son
Everyone’s favorite baby character, the great Waluigi, will FINALLY be revealed to be Wario’s precious infant child in a 35-minute film that will take up most of Nintendo’s E3 presentation. See, people? Sometimes, the Big N does listen to its fans!
3. Living amiibo Figure Line
As the inevitable next step in their popular toys-to-life line, Nintendo will begin offering amiibo figures that are alive and can feel pain. In fact, leaked manufacturer specs suggest the adorable figurines will live in a constant state of anguish, despair, and burning hatred for whoever they perceive as responsible for their miserable existence. The line will open this Holiday season with two all-new Mario colors (lavender and fucsia) and five hundred Link poses.
4. 5 Years of Darkness, Followed by 5 Years of Plentiful Produce
Three fathers, all in a different way, shall meet at the edge of the West. From the scattered ashes of distant conflict, a forgotten threat rises anew. What once roamed the sky shall be grounded; what once was grounded shall be no more. The road is closed, but the path cannot be unwalked. Stockholders take note.
5. New Metroid
Come on, Nintendo!